just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
