You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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