Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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