So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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