John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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