I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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