If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
