I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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