I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
