There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
