I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
