Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
