She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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