Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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