Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
