I will die if light touches me.
I think my vagina is haunted
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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