I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I feel great
I just peed on a car
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
