Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
