Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
