Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
