I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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