How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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