Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
