My Higher Power is John Stamos
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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