went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
