The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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