my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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