the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
