why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
dude. I can hear the air.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
