i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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