I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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