At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
