He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
