so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
