i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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