Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
