Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
