as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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