He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
