seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Say something about gay babies.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
