you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
