I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
