My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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