meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
