Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
