we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
