Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Let's get the cat blown out
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
