I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
