i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
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