I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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