If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
