I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
