Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
